my sita

I watched 'Raavanan" and like always it allowed me to touch my soul,this time vikram aroused me with the evertrue image of the instinctual,it seemed as if the age old story of agni pareeksha ,which earlier would get the feminist out of me-yelling and opposing,now seemed natural for i saw sita in a new light;my sita today did allow raavan to enter her-sita was touched by raavan very deep within-sita being the strong woman that she is,with the maddening conviction of worship was doubtful about herself,she was taken to the underworld,she had touched her instincts,sita had seen the worshipping lust on raavan's face,she felt what ram could never make her feel-she felt the dark velvet and lived the mysteries of the universe;seeing raavan  up close and his relentless restlessness,his passion to try and continuously win her-she entered the dark feminine,the holy maddona,she saw what an honourable man raavan was,she chatted with him about his way of worship and raavan did try to explain once in a while when he was not creatively threatened by her goodness that was directed out of pure intention-the goodness i talk about here is inherent one of sita and is mixed with innocence of curiosity and virtue- and NOT the goodness that comes from being ram's wife and mother to laxman and all that!I would like to believe that ram never saw sita,never looked into her eyes to see the woman she was-call it part of his "bad luck "phase-it was raavan who saw her,in fact she herself saw her being when raavan questioned the "right" beliefs she has-raavan asked her the question she didn want to answer,he asked her if she really was stupid enough to not see that ram was driven by ego and not love for her! i think given the man that raavan was,he didn only want to get into her pants(though that would be a part of it)like we were told traditionally;he was more like a friend with whom she could have an open conversation-a friendship that arises from staying together;raavan sees her angst,her throwing tantrums,her shedding of tears as she questions love and truth-she has now seen raavan as he is and even she didn dare to describe him with words. she just felt around him-she felt something that was so called dark or wrong for a woman to enjoy,she ofcourse didn touch him sexually for like all woman she valued security more than herself and was bound by shame,but my sita fought and they say you can really see a woamn when she is fighting for what she holds dear-it brings out the wolf in her that is righteous,just and compassionate and hence ready to tear the enemy down to shreads if her pack was attacked! an element of understanding and imagination on our part  is required to see that she fought for justice she upheld-she rebelled against raavan in a way like,"you brought me here against my will-to hell with all that you can give me",i think raavan saw a real woman in his life for the first time( for wives when they are wives give up their title of a woman so i dont count his wife)he saw her up close and everyday,who uninhibitedly showed her anger to his massive ego,she questioned Lankeshwar!she ignored him,rejected him,and maybe the first woman who tried to understand the complex man he was without letting the mystery disappear,she was upset with his kidnapping behaviour,for the first time in her life she had touched deep  deep anger and  the darkness of betrayal ;the childish girl grew up to be a woman!she saw a man who was so overcome with his passion that it transformed him into a believer-she saw shiva energy-the energy of mystery,of magick,,of patience,of healing,this man let his passions flow so freely that he discovered god within himself-this man had made his peace with the universe!
   raavan really din want to "fuck her" for fucking's sake per se,it was time-if we may call it ,that got the angry sita out and raavan was aroused by her sense of faith and he couldn help it!thats when these two began chats at nights about each other's realities,not only in words but also in silences and arguments-the gusto with which they were different excited them'i would say,if both raavan and sita had no "image" to maintain,they would have had a parallel life romance where sitas's days would be filled with her man's touch and attention and evenings with debates and pranks,fighting and making up;raavan saw himself entering this wild woman and their bodies flowing rhythmically in deep passionate aggression coz she would be a tough fight,she saw pictured him biting him cunningly when he won an argument,she gasped for his mouth in that universe as he firmly reached for her body as if they were to join,his strong body moving rhythmically with her emotions,he imagined the strong voice that would come out of this woman when she enjoyed herself! she saw lust around him and how he held back from touching her.

sita was not a virgin anymore-raavan had entered her soul and shown her her depths,darkness,excitement and sheer pleasure we all are so scared of! she was touched by his freedom; sitas's and raavan's love story is one of life's plans that happens once but lingers for a long time coz you are changed by the presence of one person-then of course we see that she is changed forever in a very practical way too-she takes the agni pareeksha,her vanvas during her pregnancy seems more like an intentional time out to rethink the truth and untruth,she just had touched shiva in herself and wanted peace to assimilate the rapid changes in her consciousness! she had a communion,as intense as sexual or maybe ten times more vivid;raavan and sita saw the instinctual flow through them and as a result,one attained moksha and the other understood herself,her pleasures;This is the kind of love not arising from either of them but one gifted by the gods-one that changes your life and your path!


har har mahadev!

sacred!

I love hospitals!something i realized when i am about to leave one in six months;that huge statue of ganesha which made me think pretense vydehi is filled with,all the money they took from my father,the pride they stripped  out of me when i waited for a seat outside the office now is sacred-sacred because it seems to unite so many people,from different walks of life,in different ways;I walk to the hospital thinking if i am dressed properly and simultaneously cursing the fact that i am not allowed to wear what i want(isnt freedom of expression a constitutional right?),about which teacher will yell at me,about the topics i had to study last evening and didn and then i reach the hospital to see this huge statue of an elephant faced god sitting right in the center with his huge belly and almost smiling face! then i realize that i am in a hospital and the air changes,i know that there are so many people who have come here to feel better,so many hope to ease the pain they feel in their bodies,all the way from bengal,from UP-many dont know what a heart does,why you miss periods,few cant even fill forms-all just to not feel pain!I am humbled,I am in a place where healing is taking place as i stand and think-someone's wounds are being dressed,some one else just received the news that she is pregnant,someone is getting their warts removed ,someone can see red clearly as his eyes are healed and someone is going to have a healthy heart in just a few moments from now-everything changes our lives and us every moment but here,lives are being changed in the most tangible form!There is life,there is death,there is pain,there are prayers,there are questions,hopes and there is wait!I feel so much and this great ganesha sits there telling everyone of his presence...poor thing! sometimes he is prayed to,many times put on trial,people interrogating him ruthlessly till they receive an answer for why such pain should be their lot?others abuse him,few stand there and fight with him saying that he doesn exist and everybody including him till this moment is a fool to have actually believed that something called grace exists-that he is just a stupid stone!to the poojari however he is his vocation for this life,someone who gives good karma and enlightenment.i see people with their heads on the slab,crying profusely shaking their heads from side to side,few others hold out their sarees to collect little grace if that god decides to bestow,some just sitting there and watching him in shock !my stability and stagnation is stirred by all this and this is a welcome disturbance-something is changed forever;I feel most human then-aware of all the pains and sorrows that befall our small hearts in spite of all the faith we have and that our hearts are not at all small! I suddenly want their prayers answered,i want the faith they hold to be proved right,i want the strength to change something about their lives,i want my life to be changed-everyday i go to ganesha to see all this and feel my role here as a healer-stones have power,they listen,they suck up your sorrow,they instill strength and for some souls they gift self esteem!

see me in toto..if you can

see me in toto,if you can..
the devil that i am and the most merciful
I am the one who watches you in pain,feeling very good-
I am the one who cant take you crying
I am jealous,viscious and the most distant,
I am also the one who will give away my life,
I can brush you off in my doubting mind
and beg you to accept me holding your feet
I am the slut you hate with all your heart,
playing with  merciless abandon,laughing out loud!
I am the one who will never let you in
I have ruined many lives and built many more
I have been the darkness that sucked souls
and the light to the heart that needed hearing,
I hat roles..sister,lover,daughter,friend
you want to cut me apart when you see me so,
how can a daughter be erotic and a lover be a child?
but i am erotic and i am the child
give me a world where i am alone,
and give me also people to love
but know also i dont love myself all the time
dont be tempted to like me
dont hate me for being me
for both are troublesome
see me in toto..if you can

redemption!

I cry with anger..roar out loud!
for someone has finally read my tears,
redemption,redemption i cry!
for my pent up rage flows in gratitude now,
ah! the feeling of lifting a sword,
the trust that i feel within-
the respect for my anger!
fight with me my friend,i need this fight!
dont see my tears,dont be good,i need this fight.
we are not fighting for what we fight!
its been eons and i had forgotten that i could fight,
the choice to change course,the freedom of will!
the feeling of my voice being spoken out
you have shown honour in my right to defend myself,
the curse of feeling amputated at last has been lifted!
you have seen my strength and through my tears,
I raise my sword and chant your name,
I fight to see me fight
I fight to feel alive
I fight for now i am safe with me!

and the story begins..

They say that shiv and shakti-the great embodiment s of passion love falling in love again and again,being obsessed with creation as they always are,they love the initiation into love;they are often said to play dice,mock each other and dance together!They come on the earth over and over again to touch and feel each other again,to fall in love,play games and every time they come a story begins their story..


" this woman who was a woman-stood there in front of a huge cloth more like a curtain,with the most beautiful painting though she wouldn call it one,she hated names and it seemed to her that they are always malleable! yeah i forgot to tell you about this woman who was a woman-she was known for her flights of fancy,impossible nature and sharp tongue!i dont know a word for "zidh" in hindi-she had that in plenty;coming back to the cloth:) it was black! jet black!like the cosmos with the stars and milky ways and galaxies and a red figure who resembles a woman but held within it all that is given to every woman and more..this woman was the maker and bestower of womanhood,of fertility and hence creation of human kind! She gave everything the gift of creation-she caused earth to be wet and warm ,the water then became pregnant with love for the land-for both of them were alone and maybe for other reasons unknown to reason ,they loved!she imagined the water longing to touch the warm earth from very far and finally when it did,he danced with glory and radiance that comes with meeting the beloved,she saw that out of their love and desire for each other "green" was born!it was as if the water,like any man who ever lived,lived to give,he gave her rich green jewellery for her to remember his being,something out of him which will be in her for eternity,to make concrete that he felt love,that he gave of himself to it-though he couldnt and wouldnt stay away from her even for a moment!

"you look at it as if it was yours",with the smile the man in the red cotton coat said,the voice was enough to shatter the annoyance formed just a few secondsago,usually she was furious when people took liberty in disturbing the conversation she had with her pains-without her realizing she had turned to look at the face that speaks the words and noticed the movement of his lips that caused its utterance and probably shed be shocked to imagine that she turned to look at the power center from which the strong voice birthed itself!when she realized all that had happened till now--and every woman does,she asked,"are you the creator of this painting?"! and looked into his eyes to see his soul,sometimes people cannot accept the truth but he could,he said,"yes i am-who are you?" "I mean whats your name?"
as she adjusted the indigo kurta which had gone between her thighs,looked up and she with sincerity of confusion said"EVERYTHING! yeah..i am everything!"and there was a gleam of something that could not be uttered-in whose eyes it could not be said for they mirrored the emotions;
"whoa!! mad mad woman!"
"well I am the otherside of everything-my name is rudr-I am the creator!"
"rudr the creator?" she smiled" I am Rooh"
"rooh" he spelt again,"the source,the soul!"
they smiled for they had already started playing!!
"so what does everything do?"
"everything loves-she even loves the things she hates for she feels fervently"
"what?who?"-proud man
"everything!!!-what else would she love!"
she laughed from within-everything just makes sense!
he wondered why he asked her that... and that it was not really necessary to do so...that..
this woman was like no other to him,she spoke to the him that he knew and the him that she didn -by that time her eyes calmed his questioning mind
"funny no?everything,inspite of being everything,still has another side to her and she does not know it?"
"because there is nothing to know-the otherside is nothing!"
she was a woman who had wisdom but about nothing! she didn know and she couldn make sense how can there be nothing to know when there is everything!"
....and the story begins.....